Move Aside Arsenal, Here Comes JMV

This editorial is a satirical piece, it does not represent the views of St. Andrew's Athletics or the Highlander Herald.

Junior Men’s Varsity Soccer returns in 2019 with hope as Highlander Athletics’ model organization is looking to capitalize on their momentum from late December, arguably the darkest month in the team’s history.

After a rough start to the season, on and off the field, Junior Men’s Varsity turned around their runaway train of a season on December 18. A familiar rival stepped off the bus onto Highlander soil, with shirts that said Spartans across the front. I cannot respectfully describe what events followed without losing my journalistic integrity. It would be a lie to tell you that this game was close, and my job as a journalist is to tell you the truth. The Southwest Preparatory Conference recognized this as a game, when in reality, it was a CLINIC. Your Junior Men’s Varsity soccer team scored eight times. Here are a few quotes regarding the game, one for each goal scored:

1. “One of the worst beat downs I’ve ever played in.” - Andrew Buller (Junior)

2. “It (their defense) just flat out did not exist and they should get used to high school sports.” - Ben Jackson (Sophomore)

3. “They’re not good at soccer.” - Davis Chibib (Junior)

4. “That felt like recreation.” -Fernando Orozco (Freshman)

5. “It (the score) wasn’t due to St. Stephen’s lack of skill, it was due to our excess of skill.” - Arman Rokhsaz (Freshman)

6. “Maybe Arnoldo should be the one coaching Varsity.” - George Moore (Junior)

7. “I’d quit if I lost 8-0.” - Stefaan Meinert (Junior)

8. “It was like boys playing against men.” - Cade Scott (Junior)

On January 10, a shorthanded JMV team drove south to Bexar County to take on the Texas Military Institute Panthers, a team known for playing a step above JMV for several years. In the first half, TMI got a jump on your beloved Junior Men’s Varsity, but fear not, because in the beginning of the second half, Andrew Buller leveled the score For the first 69:48, we played super well, until there was a careless foul by number 25 (name omitted) and the Panthers scored on a penalty kick as time expired. “Certainly one of my most depressing moments as an athlete.” -Andrew Buller.

The following week, on the January 14, the most revered team in the history of St. Andrew’s athletics trekked up Loop 360 to St. Stephen’s, where a team eager for revenge awaited. Looking for every advantage possible, the start time was moved up 15 minutes and several players from the Spartans’ VARSITY TEAM were brought down to prevent another embarrassment to the program. To the credit of St. Stephen’s, they did not allow a goal in the first half, and they had offensive momentum that caught the JMV defense off guard a time or two. During halftime, legendary JMV Coach Arnoldo Cavasos rallied the Junior Men’s Varsity squad. Based on the results that followed, one can only assume that the St. Stephen’s goalie spent halftime slathering his gloves in butter. St. Stephens’ strong start crumbled before their eyes. After 2 goals from Jacob Zivin and Angelo Tassone, what happened next, I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Andrew Buller curled a shot from outside the box right through the hands of the goalie and into the back of the net. Out of shock and respect for the opponent, the JMV team did not celebrate this truly humiliating score. Then the Spartans did the unthinkable. On the following corner kick, the ball curled into the box and ricocheted off a Spartan and into the goal. I didn’t that think St. Stephen’s could outdo their goalie’s butterfingers, but they certainly upped the ante with the own goal. The fifth and final goal curled into the top right corner, courtesy of Andrew Buller, assisted by yours truly. After winning 13-0 on aggregate, I think it’s safe to say that JMV could give their varsity team a run for their money.

After bouncing back from their rocky start, your favorite Junior Men’s Varsity soccer team is back in action on January 17 at Saint Mary’s Hall, where they will meet the Barons for the only time this season. On January 30, the JMV will return to Beck Stadium to clobber the TMI Panthers, who narrowly beat them earlier this January. On February 5, San Antonio’s best, the Central Catholic Buttons, will face your JMV. This will be the final game of the season, and although the Buttons won the first meeting by a sizeable margin, the game will not be a friendly one thanks to some classless showboating by Central Catholic. Don’t miss it, as there is unfinished business to be taken care of on the field.